finding comfort in being alone...

Inspired by making myself laugh every day! Thoughts on loneliness, and ultimately finding comfort in the same loneliness.

I made my first best friend in elementary school because we had similar interests and because his best friend moved away, and I was next on his list of besties. We’ve been friends for years, and in some of those years, we were best friends, but lingering in the back of my mind, I always remember being the second option.

I wanted to be appreciated for my uniqueness and what made me different. For a while, I was afraid that no matter what, I wouldn’t find fulfilling relationships while being myself. Thinking that I was never good enough or something was wrong with me. Defective.

I grew up with an internalized loneliness. While never physically alone, I always felt misunderstood. Thus, I was always holding on to friendships and relationships, no matter how detrimental, while also performing to keep these relationships. I was desperate for community, and more often than not, it hurt in the end. In hindsight, loneliness was better than picking up the fragmented versions of myself and harboring deep, deep disappointment in myself. In the dramatic regard, I always thought there was some cosmic reason I was alone, as if I was meant to be.

In the depths of depression and self-loathing back at the end of 2017, I couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t know what happened. Something switched. Something has changed within me. (Wicked reference, of course!)

I journaled. I wrote with fury, digging my pen into the journal. Leaving impressions of letters along with their print, explaining myself, and over-explaining myself. Not hiding from the deep, dark parts of myself that I shied away from. I put it all down in the journal. That winter, I learned to enjoy my own company, so even if I was alone, I wasn’t tortured by my thoughts. Even if the prophecy is true, I’d enjoy being alone.

Unfortunately for my haters, the prophecy is not true! I’m not alone. I found community and feel fulfilled with the people in my life. I’ve grown into a more authentic person—realizing that no matter what, the people who are meant to be here will be here, and as life continues, there are tons of friends I haven’t met yet. There are plenty of people who are going to love me no matter what.

There’s so much power in being alone.

—S